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Grieving Grandparents
One of the most overlooked areas of grief is the grief experienced
by grandparents. Your child has just suffered the death of their child or
children and you could not protect nor shield him/her from this
devastating loss. Further, you have lost your grandchild(ren). Your own
hopes and dreams for the future are shattered. To further complicate
matters, the grief process is a long, often painful journey which has no
timeframe and which is very personal. There is no right or wrong way to
grieve, only your way. With the loss of a baby(ies), we are changed
forever. Hopefully the following will assist you, as the Grandparents, in
coming to terms with and handling not only your own grief journey but also
that of your child.
It is natural to want to protect one's child
from pain but that is not always possible. As you watch your child suffer
and the dreams for the future are shattered with the death of your
grandchild(ren), you can only stand by and watch. You feel powerless. It
is difficult to offer comfort when you are also grieving yourself. You
must try to offer comfort at the same time as you
grieve.
- Take your child in your arms. Hold them, cry with them.
Let them tell you how they feel. Listen with your heart, soul and with
love. Words aren't particularly necessary as you hold, support and love
each other.
- If you are able to share some of your own feelings of
sadness, do so. When we share difficult moments together, it makes the
burden a little lighter. Concealing your own pain or feelings may only
make them feel that you don't care.
- Try to avoid telling your child how they should act.
"You can have another baby." "Try to pick up the pieces and get on with
your lives, you are young."
- If at all possible, try to see the baby(ies), to hold
him/her, take photos with everyone, name the baby(ies). Encourage your
child to do the same. Do not be afraid to use the baby's name. After all
he/she existed and was a real part of your family's fantasy and future.
To ignore the pregnancy or the loss will only make the mountains higher.
- Remember that the loss of this baby(ies) is not your
fault. You did not cause the baby(ies) to die, but you can be supportive
and available when possible to do so.
- Do not feel badly if your grief is initially ignored.
As the parents try to come to terms with a new reality, they may
inadvertently exclude you and not recognize the depth of your grief.
- Avoid blaming: "Do you think you exercised too much? Or
drank too much coffee?" You might ask, "I know I wonder if I could have
done anything differently, do you have similar feelings that are
bothering you?" Try not to judge nor interpret any responses.
- Take care of yourself. Make sure you eat nutritiously
and that your child and their partner does too. One of the first things
that falls to the side after a death is appetite. A snack of cheese,
fruit or vegetables ensures that health and strength are kept up. Try
also to get adequate sleep and exercise during this painful period.
- Try to keep the lines of communication open between
family members. Offer to assist with meals, childcare if there are other
children, share resources and books.
- There are things that you can do to celebrate the
memory of your grandchild(ren):-
- plant a garden or a tree in a local park;
- do some volunteer work;
- make a donation to a favorite charity;
- write about your feelings and perhaps give the
journal to your child at a later date;
- do something special on anniversaries or birth/death
days.
- Grief is a very powerful emotion. Remember your other
grandchildren if you have them. Don't let your grief overshadow your
ability to interact with them or others.
- If your child and spouse feels comfortable with it, you
may wish to include the child(ren) who died whenever speaking about your
grandchildren, especially when mentioning how many you have.
One bereaved grandmother advised that she was
told by her son and his wife (both doctors) that she must never refer to
the babies again (they died at 5-1/2 months gestation). This grandmother
felt blocked and ignored regarding her own feelings. She felt that being
doctors, they should be in a better position to understand grief, loss and
how to deal with them. This is not always the case and while no doubt
being able to dispense wise advice to their patients, were not able to
acknowledge their own pain and loss. Denial regarding their loss was also
inflicted on the grandparents. If such is the case for you, join a
bereavement support group, try some grief counseling or speak to a good
friend, doctor or religious support person. You don't have to go through
this alone. Your feelings are real and painful. You, too, have suffered a
loss but you may need to explore some avenues on your own in order to
obtain appropriate support.
Other Resources:
Grieving Grandparents, by Sherokee Ilse and Lori Leininger,
Wintergreen Press Inc.
Loss Organizations:
Loss
Support Network, Multiple Births Canada, www.multiplebirthscanada.org
Centre for Loss in Multiple Births (CLIMB), Alaska
E-mail:
climb@pobox.alaska.net
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