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The loss of a
baby or babies can and does have an impact on a marriage as each parent
attempts to regain their equilibrium and balance after such a devastating
loss. The loss of our child(ren) changes us forever. We lose our innocence
and the future is forever changed. Add to this the fact that men and women
grieve differently, and the impact on a couple's relationship is not
always a positive one. Generally
speaking, women tend to be more open about what they are feeling than men.
Women may have one or two girlfriends, a sister or mother with whom they
"open up," express what is on their minds and how they are feeling. Men,
on the other hand, don't usually have close relationships with other men
which would include speaking about their emotions or the sharing of
feelings and thoughts. Traditionally men have been inundated with messages
such as "suck it up", "crying is for wimps" and "act like a man". In such
an atmosphere, with no safe place to express their emotions, men have not
been dealt a fair blow when it comes to expressing those inner emotions.
It is
acknowledged that not all mothers and fathers experience difficulties in
connecting while grieving. Some couples are brought closer together,
communicate regularly and feel much closer in their time of greatest need.
What I would like to explore in this article, however, is the possible
negative impact of the loss of one or more of babies on a couple's
marriage. Further, understanding that men and women grieve differently and
what some of those differences can be is helpful. We also need to
understand a little bit about Grief itself:
Mother probably
has family and friends whom she can talk to about her baby or babies. She
may need to focus on physically getting better in the case of having had a
c-section, and may also need to take care of a surviving co-multiple(s).
After the
funeral, it may be harder and harder for Mother and Father to "get
together" on an emotional level, to speak about what they are feeling: of
their fears for the future or the fears each has for the survivors of
their multiple birth - "If I get attached to this baby, will she die
too?". One may "blame" the other for the loss, even inadvertently. It may
become necessary to seek some bereavement counseling from: a cleric, grief
counselor, social worker or psychologist who specializes in grief issues.
Your family doctor can assist you in this regard or refer you to an
appropriate support individual. If,
as a couple, you already have a child or children, this may add another
difficult component to your grieving journey, or not, as each individual
family will decide. Sometimes the need to continue to be available for
your other children can be a boon. Having to remain mobile, available and
responsive, for one or both parents, can sometimes be helpful in spite of
mourning for a lost child or children. Sometimes one
or both parents may find the opposite and find it difficult to continue to
be an attentive and available parent. One or both may experience feelings
of being overwhelmed, pressured, resentful or of wishing to simply
withdraw. All of this is normal and doesn't mean you are a bad parent. Try
your best to keep the lines of communication open with your children. Let
them know you are feeling very sad at the moment, need some quiet time, or
are thinking of their dead brother or sister. Let the child know that they
didn't cause your sadness but you are sad, nevertheless. It will be
helpful for him (or them) to know that feeling sad is a part of grieving
and your reactions and feelings were not caused by them. By being honest
with your child or children about what you are feeling, you will be
helping them and yourself, even if it doesn't feel like it at the
time. It
may be helpful to try to keep in tune with whatever your partner may be
feeling and to try and distract your other child or children for a time,
in order to give your partner some space to him/herself. A role reversal
may occur at another time for the other spouse. 1.
Don't expect
your spouse to be a tower of strength when he or she is also experiencing
grief. 2.
It is very
important to keep the lines of communication open. 3.
Be sensitive to
your spouse's personality style. In general, he or she will approach grief
with the same personality habits as they approach life. This may be in a
private manner or open and sharing, or some place in
between. 4.
Talk about your
loved one(s) with your spouse. If necessary, set up a daily time period
when you both know that it is time to talk about your loved
one(s). 5.
Seek
professional help of a counselor if depression, grief or problems in your
marriage are getting out of hand. 6.
Deal with
things as they occur. Do not overlook or ignore anger-causing situation.
It is like adding fuel to a fire. Eventually there will be an
explosion. 7.
Remember that
you loved each other enough to marry. Try to keep your marriage alive: go
out for dinner or an ice cream cone; take a walk; go on a vacation.
8.
Be gentle with
yourself and with your mate too. 9.
Join a support
group for bereaved persons. Attend as a couple, come by yourself or with a
friend. Do not pressure your spouse to attend with you if it is not his or
her preference. 10. Join
a mutually agreeable community betterment project.
11. Do
not blame yourself or your mate for what you were powerless to prevent. If
you feel personally responsible or blame your spouse for your loss, seek
immediate counseling for yourself and your marriage.
12. Remember that
there can be a loss of sexual desire or hypersexuality during the grieving
process. You can discuss this with your mate. 13. Be
aware of unrealistic expectations for yourself or your mate. Try to
remember that your spouse is doing the best that he/she can.
14. Marital
friction is a normal part of any marriage. Don't blow it out of proportion
at this painful time. 15. Try
not to let everyday irritants become major issues. Talk about them and try
to be patient. 16. Be
sensitive to the needs and wishes of your spouse as well as yourself.
Sometimes it is important to compromise. 17. Work
on your own grief instead of wishing that your spouse would handle his/her
grief differently. You will find that you have enough just handling your
own grief. Remember, when you help yourself cope with grief, it indirectly
helps your spouse. 18. As
one grieving mother stated: "Value your marriage. You have lost
enough!" 19. Hold
on to Hope. With time, work and support you will survive. Life will never
be the same, but you can learn again to appreciate it and the people in
your life. 20. Allow yourself
and your partner to feel whatever it is you are feeling without judging
yourself or each other.
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